Resolute

 So, it's New Year's Eve. 

December 31st. 

The turn of the decade. 

The end of an era.

To be honest, I care more about the fact that the Doctor as we know him is dying and I'll never get to see a fresh episode of David Tennant running around in Converse and a long trench coat than I do about it being 2010, but maybe that's just me. 

This time of year annoys me only slightly less than Valentine's Day. For example. on V Day, people suddenly decide that they need to be romantic. Oh, maybe I should be nice to my wife. Oh, maybe I shouldn't be such a raging asshole to my husband and actually have sex with him or something. 

Just as people wait until February 14th to be romantic, why do people wait until December 31st to do some self reflection?

Maybe if everyone were a little romantic and a little more self aware those other 364 days of the year, perhaps I would like the general public more, and hate the majority of the people on Earth a little less.

But, bad attitude aside, I suppose I'm just grateful that everyone is being all reflective and truly thinking about what this next year will bring, and what 2009 meant to them.

I'm not going to link back to all my significant posts in 2009, because if you really cared about my year, you'd head over to my archives. Or, if you're a true stalker, you will have read all of them already and when I say, "Hey remember that time I was in Florida and-" you'll finish my sentence and send me the link to one of the Facebook photos I posted in July. 

(God I'm feeling cynical this morning. Maybe I should have opted for coffee over tea...)

How do I feel about 2009? I feel tired. My brain is scrambled and I'm trying to use this time I have back in my family home, in my native country - as obese and deep-fried as it is - to do some reflecting and to try to get all my ducks in a row.

I'm not a mess. I'm not depressed. If anything, I've had so many amazing spectacular, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious things happen over the past 12 months that I need to stop, smell the California Poppies and breathe. 

I am as restless and insatiable as my horoscope suggests, and this is both good and bad. Good because it keeps me going, keeps me driven, and keeps me always looking for the next thing to bring me momentary satisfaction. The bad, is that this means I'm a perfectionist and that my satisfaction is just as I said, momentary. 

I'm suppose I'm trying to feel the weight of the past 4 and a half years. I hate to say the word "weight" because weight has a negative connotation - but I think I just need to absorb a lot of stuff, and to put it into perspective. 

When you're in a bubble, and a lot of the people you  know are also in the same sort of bubble, it makes it hard to take what you've done and put it in the context of the real world. The worlds you used to be a part of. The world that most people exist in. 

When you do that - it's easier to stop and realize the gravity of what you've done, what you've achieved, and how you can slowly start to digest it. I want to digest and absorb what I've done and who I am now. 

Who I am now, is who I really am. And I think the old parts of are still a little confused by the transformation. They're in awe and still perhaps think of everything as temporary. 

I think I am simply trying to convince them that it's not. 

Image via www.creationsbymarilyn.com